Few, if any, relationships are perfect; problems are bound to occur. The problems most often linked with marriage and other relationships include:

• Failures in communicating
• Misunderstandings
• Negative feelings, such as being hurt, put down, ignored, abused or lonely
• Power struggles
• Acting out to get attention, including pouting, whining, nagging and complaining
• Addictive behaviors
 

Other problems arise when partners have different needs in a relationship. Common differences focus on:
• Money
• Sex
• Work
• Child-rearing
• "In-law" or other family problems that put a strain on the relationship.
• Time and how it is spent and on what activities
 

Most of the time, these problems can be worked out by the persons involved. Professional help should be sought, however, if any of the following apply:
• The problems are severe
• The problems keep you from doing your daily tasks
• You cannot resolve the problems on your own
• You want to strengthen your relationship(s)
 

Ways to Improve Communication

• Face the fact that there is a problem; then, let each person speak openly about it.

• Avoid blaming the other person. This puts him or her on the defensive and prevents communication. When blaming starts, listening stops.

• Take 51 percent of the responsibility for listening to what is being said. Ask questions to clear up what you don't understand.

• Be sincere, honest and show concern in your conversation. Don't be sarcastic or make fun of the other person.

• Try to let go. Before getting into an argument, ask yourself if the issue can simply be "let go". Ask the other person, too. If you both say yes, drop it and don't let it re-surface at a later time.

• It's alright to discuss problem issues, but be certain that you focus on how to solve the problem, not where to place blame for it.

• Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Try to see his or her point of view.

• Remind each other of the many positive strengths of the relationship. Build on these strong points. Don't dwell on the negative ones.

• Don't bring up old issues, disputes or grudges. When past problems enter in, the conversation can get out of hand.

• Timing is critical. Ask yourself if it is the right time to bring up an issue. If the other person is undergoing problems with work, children, health or family, adding yet another problem to their burden is not likely to solve the issue --it may serve to cause them more anguish. If possible, wait until the other person's burden has lightened to bring up yet another problem.

• Don't approach an issue with the idea of changing the other person's mind, or conveying an attitude that you're right and he or she is wrong.

• Share the issue. The problem belongs to both of you. Work to understand your partner's position first, then to have him or her understand your position.

• Omit distractions. Don't attempt to discuss an issue while driving a car, taking care of children, doing a household chore or doing anything that will take your attention away from the issue and the other person.

• Make sure you know your own position and be ready to state it clearly to the other person; state your position in terms of what your feelings about the issue are.

• Communicate in an assertive way.

• Don't make demands of the other person or put them down.

• Use "I" rather than "you" messages. For example, if you are upset by the fact that the other person has begun to neglect their appearance, instead of saying "You look like a slob," it would be better to say, "I like it better when your appearance is neat."

• Listen with your heart. Hear what the other person is saying regardless of how they say it. Allow him or her to be comfortable while they are stating their position. Don't take an "attack" position. Wait for your turn to talk. Don't interrupt them while they are speaking.
 

Make a plan. This should consist of what you can do to solve the issue and what you are willing to do. Knowing these things in advance can speed the solution and reconciliation process.
 

Go in peace. Let the discussion of a problem run its course and end in peace with both of you at ease. Don't continue to "stew" over who said what, the decisions that came out of the argument and whether the other person gained more than you did in the bargaining session. If you still feel uncomfortable with the solutions, re-state your position and try again. Be aware, however, that some issues may not be able to be changed. For example, in the case of differing sexual desires and needs, forcing or asking that your partner engage in sexual activity beyond their desire for it will not benefit you or your partner and will only cause more tension.